Top Chef: Season 7, Finale

Call Him the Singapore Gun Slinger

Previously: The final four went from D.C. to Singapore for the first international finale for Top Chef, where Padma wants to know what’s wrong with Kevin. Me too. The cheftestants shed blood, sweat and tears, literally, but it’s Kelly who sheds the most (I mean, it really was her blood) so she’s sent home one stage short of the final.

It’s the finale – finally – to one of the most boring seasons of Top Chef. Who’s your favorite? I thought so. Just to rub salt into the wound more, Padma reminds us about our final three:

Angelo from New York who believes Top Chef is his destiny.

Kevin from New Jersey who is supposedly the Salvador Dali of presentation.

Ed from New York, who is a tornado. Watch out Aunty Em.

Hey, Padma didn’t say “Hail to the chef.” She chooses the last show to finally get rid of that cheesy line. D.C., we hardly knew ya.

They pick up from where Kelly is giving everyone hugs as she’s eliminated. The final three guys seem pretty happy with themselves until Padma comes in looking super serious and asking them to all return to judges’ table.

The cheftestants walk in and there’s a knife block in the center of the room, so they know there’s a twist coming. Padma says they want them to have the most time to plan their meals so they’re telling them the elimination challenge now, which is to compete head to head in a four-course meal “of the most amazing food you’ve ever done in your lives” as opposed to the suck-worthy food they made so far this season.

The judges spell out the four courses as follows:

Course 1: Vegetable

Course 2: Fish

Course 3: Meat

Course 4: Dessert

Tom says he and Eric Ripert will go shopping tomorrow for their protein, and jokes about monkey being in season. Padma tells them they flew in extra help and in walks former Top Chef winners Michael Voltaggio, Ilan Hall and Hung Nguyen. Kevin supposedly worked with Voltaggio before, so he wants him, but so does Ed. Angelo, predictably, wants Hung because he’s his Asian brother.

They draw knives, and Ed gets Ilan, Kevin gets Michael, and Hung joins Angelo. Ed says he doesn’t really know Ilan, but since he won Top Chef, he must be a decent chef. Oh wait, his exact back-handed compliment was “I have no reason not to respect him.” Please stop the sweet talk, Ed, you’re embarrassing yourself.

That local food writer, Seetoh, is still around and Padma gives him the last say. And I’m sorry, but his accent was a bit heavy when he tells the cheftestants to “sock it to me” because really it sounded like “suck it to me.” Oh my.

The cheftestants head back to the hotel with their sous chefs to bond, but Angelo says he feels like garbage. Someone suggests some ginger tea, but instead he goes to bed early.

The next morning, Angelo isn’t at breakfast. He’s still in bed breathing heavy and talking about stabbing pain in his stomach. But it’s funny how he’s supposedly so sick but he still can talk on and on about what he’s feeling with the cameraman. If I were sick, I’d just be in bed moaning or something.

The doctor arrives to check out Angelo and prescribes “lots of fluids and rest.” He gives him 20 percent. To live!?@ What the … oh, he meant 20 percent chance of cooking. Whew.

Commercials. AT&T, you’re such a slut. Thought you were exclusive with the iPhone. Now you’re going with Blackberry. Slut.

The cheftestants arrive at the kitchen with Tom and Eric, but Angelo is not there. Tom says Hung will have to be on phone with Angelo and tell him what’s happening and what he needs to prep. Ed says that “Whatever’s going on with you, just tell your body, fuck you, and get out of bed.” Ed is apparently mean to his body. I like my body so I never tell it FU. I want to be in my body for a very long time.

Tom and Ripert show the cheftestants what they bought and I have to say they are the most boring ingredients for a Top Chef challenge. Basically they give them red mullet (a tiny fish), cuttlefish, those dang cockles again, and slipper lobster. Also, pork belly (um, everyone’s making pork belly in the Bay Area so I don’t need to go to Singapore to try it) and duck. Tom says they all have to make a course with the red mullet and the duck and use the other protein any other way they want.

They shop at some store called Vivomart, and Michael V. (I think he’s the best Top Chef winner to date) grabs a dragon fruit. Ilan is giving Ed a lot of his opinion, and I mean a lot. In fact, at one point Ed asks, “you are my sous chef, right?”

Angelo talks to Hung on the phone and he tells him he wants to make foie gras with some kind of marshmallow. It wasn’t a very long conversation, but I’m thinking they didn’t need to show that much because it was BORING.

Everyone (except Angelo) is in the prep kitchen and start talking about their menus. Hung is prepping like crazy and I don’t even know how he’s supposed to know what Angelo wants. So basically Hung is just making his dishes from his season. He grabs the foie gras and doesn’t share, and everyone curses Hung out. Hung sure drinks a lot when he’s working.

Hung calls Angelo but Angelo doesn’t answer because at that very moment the doctor is giving Angelo a shot in the butt. A shot of antibiotics, that is. He then tells him that it should make him feel better in two to five days, or in the worse case scenario … a week. By then we’d be in the Top Chef Reunion show, doc!

We see scenes of the Singapore market and the skyline, and then the next morning with Ed spiking up his hair with gel. Ed and Kevin are at breakfast again with no Angelo. The doc comes to check on Angelo, who is dressed and sitting in bed, looking pretty normal. Angelo tries to build the drama about him not getting released by the doc to cook, and really, it’s almost like Angelo wants the doc to tell him that he can’t cook. I think Angelo = drama.

But unfortunately for Angelo, the doc tells him he has no fever and his blood pressure is fine, so he can go cook. Angelo says he’s “happy” at the news.

The cheftestants arrive with their sous chefs at the Jim Thompson restaurant kitchen and start cooking. Angelo basically says that he’s going to do the best he can with the cards given to him. OK, so he’s out.

They furiously cook and then start their plating and outside the guests start to arrive and I spot David Chang of New York right away sitting at Padma’s table. Ripert talks about the main ingredients he and Tom bought for the cheftestants and he sounds proud of what they challenged the chefs with. I’m not buying it.

The cheftestants go out and meet the guests, including Dana Cowin who never left Singapore, as well as Paul Bartolotto, Susan Feniger, and a few local chefs and food writers.

First course: Angelo serves up pickled mushrooms with char siu and noodles, Kevin does a terrine with eggplant (all together now – yuck to eggplant!) and Ed does a chilled summer corn veloute (that’s like a soup) with fried cockles.

One guy calls Angelo daring, and his dish is very authentic to the region, but Tom says it needs work. Chef Chang says Kevin has balls for making a terrine as a first course (I’m not a fan of these cold layered terrines) and Vincent Bourdain likes Ed’s veloute. Tom says all the dishes are restrained.

Back in the kitchen, Ed and Angelo are still biting at each other. While they get ready to present the next course, Ed tells Angelo: “I guess you’re not sick anymore.” And Angelo’s comeback is: “I’m sick of your attitude.” Someone give these two a timeout.

Second course: Angelo makes a bouillabaisse, Kevin does pan-seared red mullet with cuttlefish noodles, and Ed did stuffed fish with zucchini pesto.

That Seetoh guy says he needs a user manual to understand what’s happening in Ed’s complicated dish, and Bartolotto says Angelo’s dish is a dish to remember.

Third course: Angelo does sautéed duck breast with foie gras and marshmallow, Kevin did a simple roasted duck with caramelized bok choy, and Ed did a duo of duck, roasted and braised stuffed neck.

Everyone thinks Kevin’s duck is cooked the best, and nobody understands the red shot of stuff Angelo served as a palate cleanser. Ripert says all the dishes have been remarkable so far.

The cheftestants get ready for their final course, which is dessert, and which everyone knows can kill one’s ambitions on Top Chef. Ed doesn’t make dessert so he pretty much left it up to Ilan, who made some kind of cake thing. But Ed feels the plating look boring, and I agree. It kind of looks like meatloaf.

Commercials. What is that movie “Catfish” all about? Supposedly it has some “Sixth Sense” ending or twist that you can’t talk about.

Dessert course: Angelo made coconut cream with vanilla cream and saffron syrup, Kevin made the “Singapore Sling” with tropical fruits in the hollowed out dragon fruit, while Ed serves up Ilan’s sticky toffee pudding, which really looks like cake.

Everyone gets excited about Kevin’s dessert, which is supposedly Singapore’s national dessert. Susan thinks Angelo’s dessert is good but almost borders on savory.

David Chang thinks Ed’s dessert is hilarious because he thinks the dessert is Ed’s “fuck you” to say he doesn’t need to make a fancy dessert to win. Thank you Chef Chang for living up to your potty mouth rep.

In the kitchen, everyone tastes a bit of each other food, and of course they all say it’ll be close but they’re going to win. Voltaggio tells Kevin this was the second best food he’s ever seen on Top Chef. Nice.

It’s night time at Singapore, and Padma tells the other judges that she had a fun dinner. Tom says it was “lights out.” Gail called it a “revelation.” Ribert says his table was entertained. (Why am I not surprised that Ripert’s table had the most fun? I’m sure it’s also the table that emptied out the bottles of wine first.)

The cheftestants come in to face the judges. They start with Angelo and talk about his bouillabaisse, which Ripert liked. But Padma didn’t like the cherry puree as a palate cleanser, which instead stuck to all parts of her mouth. Tom called it “destructive.”

Now Ed, they tell him stuffed duck neck was a great idea, and Gail says the dessert was just like him but Tom says if this is a close competition (and it is), then the dessert could make or break it and that dessert he could have made at home. Ed asks what he’s supposed to do? He says he could make lemon curd but what if it went wrong?

Then they talk about Kevin and Ripert wanted more salt or spiciness to his vegetable terrine. Everyone loved his duck and Gail tells Kevin that she tried a Singapore Sling from the place that originated it and she says she liked Kevin’s better.

The cheftestants are sent away, and the judges deliberate more. Just from hearing the comments, this is how it seemed, to me, the winner of each course was.

Vegetables: Ed

Seafood: Tie between Kevin and Angelo

Duck: Kevin

Dessert: Kevin

Looks like Kevin has the lead if you go course by course. Padma says we have a clear winner. Well, OK.

Commercials. How can a movie called “Devil” be rated PG-13? I mean, really? Crest toothpaste thought it necessary to show big teeth with gingervitis and they put the word “dramatization” in fine print. No kidding.

They come back and Tom tells them the three gave high-quality experience and he wishes all three could win, but we know only one can, and that one was the chef that took the most risks and cooked the best meal. Padma tells Kevin that he’s Top Chef! Kevin says “I am?” And that, for some reason, cracks Tom up, who says that was the best reaction ever.

I guess it's the year of New Jersey with Jersey Shore and now Kevin taking Top Chef. Angelo and Ed say they’re happy for Kevin, but I don’t buy it. I bet Ed really wanted it. Angelo wanted it too until he decided he wanted to play sick. Kevin is saying he’s all emotional but he doesn’t really cry. He tells us it’s cool to be the first African-American Top Chef. Oh, that’s weird because for some reason I thought he was Latin. See what an impression he made on me this season?

So that wraps up another season of Top Chef. These recaps have been exhausting and long, and a real damper on my dating life because I am in no shape to go on a date on Thursday nights, which apparently is prime dating night when you meet someone for the first time. (It’s the “safe” day of the week for a date, apparently.) I’m looking forward to getting my sleep again so I can be awake for my next date. And if you think I’m going to recap the new Top Chef: Just Desserts, you’re all suffering from brain freezes from having too many Singapore Slings. See ya!

Photos courtesy of the Bravo TV website.

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Top Chef: Season 7, Episode 13

Pass the Fish Sauce

Previously: The cheftestants visit NASA, and Angelo has a successful launch while Tiffany’s spaceshuttle fizzles and so does her mussels, so she’s sent packin’.

Here we go, people. Season finale. Oh wait, this is just part 1 of the finale. Ugh. And it’s 15 minutes longer than usual so expect cranky Single Guy to make an appearance.

Oh, pretty opening scenes of beaches, temples, and bananas. Shots of grilled skewers and motorbikes. I’ve never been to Singapore but it reminds me of Thailand. But never been to Thailand too, so really reminds me of what I think Thailand would be like.

Kelly is first up and her hair looks totally flat and wet. I guess they’re just flying in after months back home after D.C. Ed looks like he’s starring in a “No Reservations” episode and he’s a chubbier Anthony Bourdain.

Then comes Kevin wearing a floppy hat, which is weird because he’s not in the sun. Angelo wraps up the quartet and he looks the same, but everyone’s sweating because this is Southeast Asia where they have two seasons – hot and hotter.

Kevin talks about his wife ready to pop. Isn’t it funny how guys always think pregnant women just pop their babies out like a cork? No sooner do we hear about Kevin’s wife that Tom walks in with a local guy. He introduces him as Seetoh King who is supposedly a food writer who’s an expert in hawker food, which I guess is what Singapore calls their street food scene.

Tom turns the cheftestants over to Seetoh (BTW, this guy’s name sounds just like my last name, except he spells it differently, but I’m pretty sure we’re related) who takes them on an eating tour of the hawker stalls. They try fried noodles with what looks like a lot of anchovies, and then the national dish of Singapore, which apparently is boiled chicken served room temperature. (In Hawaii, we’d throw a side of minced ginger and scallions oil and it’d be perfect.)

The food seems spicy too, as demonstrated by the chili crab (oh man, I’m hungry this episode). Of course, Angelo’s having an Asian orgasm just being in the country, and Ed keeps talking about kicking Angelo’s butt like he’s the front-runner.

The cheftestants think they’re near the end of their eating tour (they really ate a lot of food) and then they see Padma. And Padma must be pretty insulted that the cheftestants don’t look too happy to see her (they know what’s going to happen) except maybe Angelo who’s all like “hey Padma.”

Quickfire. Padma says they have to create their own version of Singapore street food using the popular cooking tool in the country, the wok. She makes it seem like that’s so hard to do, but a wok is pretty versatile I think. Seetoh says chefs have to work three to five years in a kitchen before they can even touch a wok. Really? Then who cleans it every night?

Padma puts on the pressure by telling them that the winner of this quickfire gets immunity, which is huuuuge because that means that person knows he’s (come on, you know Kelly’s not going to get it) going to be in the finals. Angelo gets all cocky.

They start cooking but first they look over the local ingredients, which looks like a lot of stuff but unfortunately everything is labeled in Singaporean. So they have to taste everything to find out what they are.

Then they spend a few minutes talking about how to cook with a wok. And Angelo gets all fancy because he knows all about “wok hay” or “wok breath” when he talks about the heat. I’m impressed. Maybe he is Asian on the inside.

Ed says he has a wok at home, and he’s actually using it to steam something in bamboo steamers. Kevin is the one having the most problems with the wok, but he’s going to make a curry. Weird how everyone is using the wok to make soup.

Angelo was going to make chili crab but then switches to frog legs, which I would so love to eat. Love frog legs. But Kelly thinks it’s a risky move because frog legs could get overcooked easily.

Commercials. They’re really promoting the new Top Chef: Just Desserts, which premieres next week. Hey, I just notice that they have that cute pastry chef from San Francisco named Yigit Pura. I’ve seen this guy at a cooking demo and he is he-larry-us. I’m definitely going to tune in. Eye candy, both him and the desserts. ;-) Oops, the company I work for just premiered its commercial on this episode. I can’t say anything because I like my paycheck.

Quickfire tasting. Here’s how it went down with Padma and Seetoh.

Angelo serves up chile frog legs with pineapple salsa rambutan. Seetoh asks if shrimp paste was the only salting agent, and Angelo says “yes.” Wow, that exchange was so titillating.

Kelly made Chinese noodles with lobsters and cockles (which apparently is really popular in this episode). Seetoh says not many people put these things in noodles, and he liked it. (This guy is very expressive. Translation=he talks a lot.)

Kevin serves up his seafood stew with lobster and cuttlefish. Padma asks if he’s used a wok before, and Kevin confesses that this was his first time. Then Padma goes off, something along these lines: “What’s wrong with you? What kind of lazy ass cheftestant are you when I tell you weeks ago we’re going to an Asian country for the finals, and you don’t even practice cooking with a wok when you know that’s all they have in this country? I have half a mind to kick your ass back to D.C. and bring back Tiffany. Shithead.” OK, my memory is kind of bad, but I’m pretty sure it went something like that.

Ed is last with his stir-fried noodles with black pepper sauce. That’s weird, I thought he was steaming something. I have to say the dish looks pretty. Ed describes the vegetable used as Lai lan, but Seetoh corrects him and says it’s gai lan, which he calls the Singaporean asparagus. We call it Chinese broccoli. Padma asks if he’s cooked with a wok, and Ed replies that “I like to wok it out on Wednesdays at my house.” That Ed. What a character.

Seetoh gives his assessment, and he pretty much has only good things to say. I mean, this guy is Asian. They’re always polite and diplomatic. It’s only when they come to America when they get all cocky and sassy. (Um, I’m not talking about moi.) Padma says one of them is already heading to the finale, and then it's more yada yada yada from Seetoh and something about his heart and his home like his heart is his home or he’s at home in his heart. Just tell us the fuck who won! Ed.
Woah, that’s huge. Angelo looks pissed. In his mind he thinks “we’re in Asia and Ed, the whitest looking guy among us wins.” You can tell Ed wants to rub it in to Angelo.

Elimination challenge . Padma says it will be a team challenge, and they’ll have to create a menu for a party being thrown by Food and Wine editor Dana Cowin. Oh, she’s back again. Food and Wine must have no budget if they’re relying on Bravo to pay for their parties. There will be 80 guests and Padma says they have to execute it a la minute. (BTW, that’s not pronounced MIN-ute, but mi-NUTE.) And supposedly that means you cook something to order, which is pretty much what restaurant chefs do all the time when a guest places an order.

The cheftestants head to the Hilton Singapore and gets excited about their room and pops the champagne. They each get a book with ingredients and they start planning their menu. Kevin wants to cook with cockles (apparently some kind of clam), Angelo wants to make chicken livers and Kelly wants to do curry. Ed wants to do pork belly, and Kelly wonders if they need to do more than four dishes. Everyone agrees that they’ll be all busy cooking a la minute that they should just focus on those four offerings.

BTW, apparently you have to wear beads when you go to Singapore because the cheftestants are all wearing some kind of beads.

It’s later and they’re still planning. Kevin says he brought a bottle of vinegar (wow, that must be a special bottle of vinegar to travel all the way with that), and Angelo asks if he’s going to share. They kind of banter like this is a team effort but still competing and I can’t tell if they’re being sarcastic or just plain petty. Angelo teases Ed about his immunity and says he can just make a cilantro salad and will go to the finals. Ed doesn’t like that comment and continues to talk trash talk about Angelo, but not really to him but just in his head. But is it really trash talking if the other person doesn’t hear it?

The next day they head to the market, and this is no Whole Foods. It’s like a dried goods market where they can buy spices and herbs. Ed finds a box with all sorts of ingredients and that inspires him to do a second dish. While shopping, he’s still goading Angelo and it looks kind of tense like they’re about to stab each other.

They head to what looks like a kitchen in the hawker section because it really looks like a temporary kitchen. I guess all the vegetables and protein are already purchased because it’s all in the back. But since they don’t know what the local vegetables are, Kelly is going around eating everything.

Ed gets mad that Angelo took all the pork, and Angelo is running around like Speedracer. Ed is just trying to get Angelo mad, or “in his head.” Then Tom walks in and tells Ed to get out of Angelo’s head long enough to fix the menu. He seems pretty disgusted that they’re throwing a Food and Wine party and there’s only going to be four dishes. This isn’t his typical walk-through. It’s basically his command that they each do two dishes, and Ed quickly tells Tom that he’s already planning to do two dishes. Well played, Pillsbury doughboy. Well played.

Of course, the three other cheftestants are mad that Ed showed them up. But I think they’re really mad that they now have to make two dishes, but that was really lazy of them from the beginning. They should have known they needed to make more for a menu for 80 people than just four dishes.

So they start thinking up new dishes. Kevin’s making congee, which is really a breakfast dish, but whatev. Kelly will make a chilled cucumber yogurt soup, which sounds nice but not very Asian. BTW, she’s so sick of tasting the ingredients to find out what they are. Angelo is going to make a spicy shrimp broth with ginger. What’s with all these soups? I like soup but I’d be so bloated eating this menu.

Angelo is walking to the cooler and sees all these drops of blood on the ground. And for a minute I thought Ed had stabbed Angelo just to get him out of the competition, but turns out it was clumsy Kelly. But that was a lot of blood drippings. She has to put on a glove over her bandage and it makes it harder for her to prep. I feel bad for her.

Commercials. I hope no kids are watching that Dr. Pepper commercial with the support group filled with Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, an elf, etc. Kind of creepy. Hey, lady in the Oral B commercial. Brush your teeth better! Lazy.

We get our Top Chef quicklook early and we see the four cheftestants after prepping go “prawn fishing.” Nuf said.

The cheftestants arrive at the beach resort, which looks amazing. They start cooking in the kitchen, which lucky for them looks like a professional kitchen. Angelo keeps asking people if they have an ingredient, and of course Ed isn’t helping out. Kevin sure is calm this episode. I don’t think he swore once. He’s making a 63-degree egg for his congee, or porridge. I’ve never heard of that in congee. The only eggs I’ve seen is the 1,000 year old eggs, and they are not soft-boiled at all.

In comes the wait staff dressed like sailors, and Ed takes charge and goes over the menu with them as well as enlisted a guy named Jetson to be the kitchen’s expeditor.

Guests start arriving, and in comes the judges: Gail, Padma, Tom, the Seetoh guy and Dana Cowin. The wait staff starts taking orders and the cooking commences.

Kevin can’t open his cockles and stresses for a minute, which I guess is a bigger problem than Kelly having problems using the can opener. Then they have even bigger problems with the wait staff. They can’t read the people’s orders, or there’s confusion about what goes out. This occurs throughout the night, and basically the cheftestants have to go force them to walk out with the food. I’m not sure why the wait staff is so confused.

But at the judges table, the food arrives. Tom shows off by ordering for the table, which is basically five of everything. (Oooh, big man.)

They start with Kelly’s chilled cucumber yogurt soup with bitter melon. Dana says there’s lots of acid. Dana tries Kevin’s clam chowder and makes a face but says it’s delicious. That’s her delicious face? I’d hate to see her face when she tastes something bad. Tom says the flavors are really clean. Seetoh likes the black cockles. Again with the cockles.

Dana thinks Angelo’s spicy shrimp broth is comforting but complex. Gail liked the mushrooms. Seetoh says he likes the prawn flavors. The judges and the guests seem to be enjoying all the food. Oh, look! Non-Asians dining too! I bet they’re Aussies!

Everyone loves Kevin’s 63-degree egg, although I think it’s weird to make congee with tapioca pearls. Seetoh really likes the guava in Kelly’s salad that came with her prawns. They end with Ed’s banana fritters and they all explode with excitement. Geez, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Top Chef judge get so excited about a dessert item.

The kitchen wraps up in the back and it looked like an exhausting experience, but everyone seems happy. Dana Cowin offers a toast to the cheftestants, and Padma spoils it by throwing out “we’ll see you back at judges’ table.”

Commercials. Maybelline. Charlie’s Angels is so 80s.

The cheftestants are in a fancy waiting room instead of a stew room, and Padma comes in and asks for all of them.

They’re doing the big tent design that they always do for the finale. Don’t know why they like to have people stand so far from the judges. Anywho, Padma asks them how it went in the kitchen, and Kelly says everyone worked well together, which I have to agree. Even Ed at the end was helping out.

Tom says it was the best food they had all season, which probably doesn’t say much because the first few weeks the cheftestants made boring or safe food. So they finally step it up in Singapore.

They go over each person’s food and basically everyone loved everything, especially that Seetoh who can’t seem to say anything bad about the food. But a few things creep out. For Angelo, they love the tartare but Padma says his soup was a bit salty.

For Kelly’s chilled soup, Tom says the fish was handled rough because the texture was off, and Gail wanted more heat in the curry. For Kevin, Tom says the 63-degree egg paid off (who doesn’t like a soft egg?) but Seetoh wanted some texture in the congee. (Wow, he actually had a criticism to offer.)

But they save all the love for Ed, especially Gail who’s all like “holy Asian extravaganza, Batman!” she loved the sweet and sour pork he made and everyone couldn’t stop eating the banana fritters. Tom tells Ed that if he loses Top Chef he should park a truck in the East Village and sell these suckers because it’s perfect “stoner food.”

The cheftestants leave so the judges can deliberate more. In the stew room, Kelly says it’s her turn to leave, but Angelo believes it’s him. And I really believe he thinks it’s him and not just saying it to be saying it. It might be him given the criticisms.

During the deliberations, you can tell everyone’s excited about Ed and how he stepped it up even with immunity. My bet is on Ed going all the way. I’m saying it now, with just one episode left! Ha! Gail liked Kelly’s guava apple salad but Tom wanted it blended in with the overall dish. And they’re still stuck on the saltiness of Angelo’s broth, although they all seem to like his lamb tartare.

They bring the cheftestants back, and Angelo looks like he’s crying already. Seetoh picks the winner and he’s going on and on. GET ON WITH IT! Ed.

Ed is excited that he beat Angelo twice, which is weird because there are two other cheftestants.

Tom says it’s tough to go half way across the world and only two makes it. Then commercials.

Back from the boring commercials. Angelo is going to burst. Put him out of his misery already. Tom says he wished all three could be in the finals. Then Padma sends Kelly home. Angelo cries but I don’t really see any water coming out of his eyes.

Kelly talks about how the competition was tougher than what she thought. Back in the stew room she hugs everyone and still no water from Angelo’s crying. He just scrunches up his face and turns all red. Kelly says she just made one tiny mistake, which I’m not really sure if it really was just one. I just think maybe her food wasn’t Asian enough. But now it’s a long boat ride home for her.

The three guys are now in the finals and they congratulate each other when Padma comes in and asks to see all three of them. Everyone goes dun-dun-DUH because what could she want? They know a twist is coming, and then NEXT WEEK.

Next: The editors weren’t really good about extending the suspense because from the glimpse of things, it looks like the twist is that the three finalists are going to be paired with one of the three past winners of Top Chefs, including last year’s Michael Voltaggio, that Ilan guy and Hung. Then Angelo gets sick (must have been eating the cockles) and he needs a shot from some doctor, while Hung is cooking for him in the kitchen. I guess Angelo is Asian.

Top Chef airs every Wednesday at 10 p.m. on Bravo. Check your local listings. Photos courtesy of the Bravo TV website.

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Top Chef: Season 7, Episode 12

Too the Moon, Angelo. Too the Moon.

Previously: They’re off to the ballpark, where Angelo wants Kevin to chill out. Amanda makes grey tuna, and Ed wins at the top of the 9th. Amanda is sent back to the minor leagues.

Welcome to the Emmy-award winning Top Chef. I bet Padma is still shocked, like how she shouted out during the acceptance speech. But watching this season, Top Chef, I wouldn’t pin your hopes on a repeat. It’s back to the “Amazing Race,” I say.

Opening shots of the Washington Monument and people waking up and putting on makeup. Hey, did you ever notice Kevin’s restaurant back home is called “Rat’s Restaurant.” I mean, why?

Kelly is in the garden with Angelo talking about missing her husband. Then we learn that Angelo got divorced last year because apparently his ex-wife’s family is embarrassed with a chef as a son-in-law. Maybe Angelo needed to cook for them more often.

The five remaining cheftestants arrive at the Top Chef kitchen and notice all the wine in the kitchen. Angelo gets all excited because he says he loves wine. Dana Cowin, editor in chief of Food and Wine, is there and so is Padma dressed like a waiter. Ed mentions that he’s Facebook friends with Dana Cowin. Yeah, him and 3,080 other people.

Cowin then speaks and I totally missed what she said or means. Something like “10 percent are awful and 10 percent are genius.” But I wasn’t sure if she was talking about wine or parents. I’m so tired.

Padma says they have to cook a dish and pair it with a wine, and this is the final high-stakes quickfire and the winner gets a trip to London. You know, I think Padma’s outfit makes her look more like an equestrian. Whatev, I don’t think it’s working.

The cheftestants each go and pick a wine, and then start cooking. They talk about their wine and why they chose it and a bit about what they’re making. Kevin wants to make pork belly for his red wine and plans to do it in an hour in a pressure cooker.

But when he checks his pork belly, they don’t seem cooked at all and he has to scrap it with just seven minutes left. So he bunts and decides to grill some quail but he’s not happy about it as he tells us while swearing with just a few minutes left.

Tasting. Thank God these things are shorter with fewer cheftesants’ dishes to try.

Tiffany: Paired with a shiraz, she makes a cocoa and black pepper-encrusted wagu beef tenderloin and spring risotto. Padma calls it beautiful.

Kevin: Paired with a merlot, he serves up his last-minute quail. Kevin tries to make it sound like he planned to pair the red with quail from the beginning, but Cowin notes that quail is sometimes delicate compared to the heavy red wine.

Angelo: Picked a wine called Evolution white wine and paired it with some kind of foie gras dish.

Kelly: Paired with a zinfandel, she made a wild boar tenderloin. Cowin asks what the foam was, and it was blue cheese.

Ed: Paired with an Italian rosso wine, he serves up grilled rib eye with spring risotto. Sounds just like Tiffany’s dish.

Cowin says the least successful were Kevin (quail beautifully cooked but not matched well with the merlot) and Kelly (never go with blue cheese foam with wine).

She did like Angelo and Tiffany and I learn that Cowin’s favorite word is “beautiful.” And the winner of the challenges is … coming up. Dang, they haven’t done that for awhile.

Commercials. Morningstar meatless grillers look like flat cardboard sheets piled on top of each other. Why can’t vegetarian hamburgers look plump?

So we had to wait for the commercials to find out that Angelo won the quickfire. He actually hasn’t won for awhile, so he’s hoping this gives him momentum going into the elimination challenge.

Padma tells them that only four will go to the finals and for the first time in the series’ history, they’ll have the final in a foreign country. The finals will be in … Singapore! What? How do they go from D.C. to Singapore. I kind of feel D.C. really didn’t get featured that much this season. Now they leave for Asia. Angelo’s all excited and tingly inside because he thinks he’s Asian and going to Singapore would be like going home but like not really.

Elimination challenge. Padma says they will be going to NASA, and Kelly is all excited because she says she went to space camp and she’s a self-described space nerd. They don’t really learn what the challenge will be so they all hop in the car and head to the Goddard Space Flight Center.

The cheftestants enter a control room and Tom Colicchio and some NASA nutritionist is there to greet them. She manages the food program for the International Space Station, and they play a message from two astronauts currently at the Space Station. They learn that they get food like coffee and scrambled eggs and even chicken fajitas, but funny how they all look like silver IV bags. Their challenge, natch, is to make a dish that can be freeze-dried and sent into space.

The NASA woman tells them that food in space shouldn’t have a lot of sugar because sugar doesn’t freeze well, large chunky ingredients aren’t helpful, and spicy food apparently tastes better in orbit.

Tom tells them they’ll be cooking for guests like astronauts and NASA scientists, and special guest Buzz Aldrin. Apparently this is a really big deal but I’m like, I’m so over Aldrin after I endured him on “Dancing With the Stars.” Yeah, he walked on the moon. Yeah, he’s America’s hero. Yeah, he was the inspiration for “Buzz Lightyear.” But retire the guy already. (Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against old people. Just old people who stay at the party too long.)

The cheftestants go shopping at Whole Foods, and Ed goes straight for the rack of lamb, while Angelo buys boneless short ribs and Tiffany looks for fish and mussels. Sounds like Tiffany’s doing something Thai. I think she’s already thinking of Singapore. Angelo, BTW, almost runs into a woman with his cart. Spaz.

Commercials. Breyers’ Smooth and Dreamy doesn’t look like a fudge ice cream sandwich. Just looks like a big frozen Oreo.

Back at Top Chef kitchen, Angelo looks like the only one running like crazy. Everyone else looks pretty calm. Angelo is also drawing some kind of diagram on a napkin. Is that his flight plan?

Tom walks in for his little visits. I just have to say, Tom is no Tim Gunn of “Project Runway.” Tim Gunn offers constructive criticism, while Tom goes around making faces and asking boring questions. This whole segment with him was very unenlightening. And after meeting with everyone, he doesn’t even do his backstage summary like he normally does. Useless. I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. Thanks a lot Colicchio.

Tiffany grabs her mussels from the frig and they’re frozen. She’s all like “nooooo” because they’re dead and she can’t use them. Then she says “Beaumont, we have a problem.” I think she’s doing an allusion to “Houston, we have a problem” but I don’t know who’s Beaumont.

Back at the house, Tiffany tells Ed she has to throw away her mussels and Ed tries to cheer her up and say it’s not totally lost.

The next day, at the house the cheftestants come downstairs and find a note. Kevin reads it out loud and says that their ride is outside and the winner of the challenge gets to keep it. They go rushing out the door and find this really cool black ride that looks like a hipper town car. It’s a Toyota Avalon and everyone jumps in with Angelo taking the wheels. Do they even know where they’re driving to?

They arrive at the Ronald Reagan International Trade Center. Then they start checking out the kitchen. In walks the executive chef Xavier, who just basically welcomes them and that’s the last time we ever see the guy. Really? Two minutes of my life. Gone. Thanks for nothing Chef Xavier.

Tiffany works on her broth without the mussels and she tries to fix it by adding a bunch of other stuff. The she talks about how she worked at the iHop in the 10th grade and was told no woman can go in the kitchen. Hey, in her interview her hair is shorter and stylish. Looks like it was taped later. What’s that all about? Was it taped in … Singapore!? Hmmm.

The guests arrive for dinner, and there’s Buzz Aldrin. Tom asks what it’s like walking on the moon and Aldrin says “magnificent.” Yeah, what else is he going to say? “Dude, it was dope” or maybe “it was the bomb.” I don’t think so.

Anthony Bourdain is also at the table, I guess because he’s a “world traveler” that he’s qualified to judge what astronauts would eat. There are also a couple of astronauts and the NASA woman from earlier.

Kelly’s up first with her pan-seared halibut with artichoke and fennel barigoule. Tom likes it and Padma asks Buzz an unoriginal question just to give him more air time. Then Ed presents his Moroccan inspired dish of yogurt marinated rack of lamb with couscous croquettes. Eric Ripert thinks the dish is too complicated, but Bourdain disagrees with him and says it’s a home run. Or more specifically, “I’ve been to Morocco. Morocco is my best friend. This is exactly Morocco.”

Kevin’s up with his New York strip steak with corn puree. Then the astronauts talk about cutlery. Really? You’re judging a food competition and you’re going to talk about your dang spoon you used in space. Where. Is. GAIL??!

Then we have Tiffany who also made a pan-seared halibut. If this was a tasting menu, I would be so mad being served the same fish twice. They should make it a rule you can only have one protein per person. At least she served it with coconut curry. Ripert doesn’t like all the things in the curry, especially the pea shoots. Anthony Bourdain, no surprise, loves the fish sauce.

Angelo is last with his ginger lacquered short ribs with horseradish crème fraiche. Buzz finally says something about the food, saying it’s tasty and the pickled mushroom was a surprise. Tom didn’t like the candied gingered, which made the whole dish too sweet. And he looks mad about it even though he says he likes everything else. Ripert says it’s a tiny bit acidic. Bourdain says Eric is all snarky tonight because he thought the dish was very sophisticated and easily adaptable for extra-terrestrials.

In the back, Angelo is bent over looking stressed and all emotional about cooking his heart out. Or maybe he just needs a cigarette. I’ve learned that chefs smoke a lot.

Commercials. Quaker Oats. That’s an “amazingly” long commercial.

This week’s Top Chef “quicklook” just showed all the cheftestants sticking their fingers into each other’s dish to see how it tasted and checking out the competition. These quicklooks are really boring. Bring back Hosea and Leah cuddling!

The cheftestants walk right into the judges’ table. No stew room banter or Padma coming to get them. In fact, Padma looks super mad like she has an Emmy stuck up her…Oh no I didn’t!

Tom tells them they all did an amazing job and the difference between the winner and loser is very small. They go over each person’s dish and basically they tell Ed that his dish was too complicated but done well, Tiffany’s fish could have done without the potatoes and peppers, and Kelly made a true Provence-like fish.

Then Angelo talks about being in the submissive position while he made love to his short ribs. Bourdain is totally confused because he’d rather have a beer than hear Angelo talk about making love.

They’re sent to the stew room, and the judges deliberate. Ripert seems to think a lot of the food is complicated tonight, except Kevin’s dish which was boring. Bourdain says Ed cooked his heart out while Kelly played it safe. Padma loves Angelo’s dish but Tom is still stuck on the candied ginger.

Tom says Kevin’s dish reminded him of home. Ripert really liked the onion rings. But Tony says this is Top Chef not “Top Chef Sirloin.” Tom says all five dishes were very good, so “we’re splitting hairs,” which is kind of ironic to say coming from him. I’m just saying.

Judgement time. Tom announces that the winner also will be invited to watch the two remaining shuttle launch, and Kelly is about to have a space nerd orgasm. Bourdain chooses the winner as the guest judge and he picks Angelo, who’s totally surprised and wants to cry. Everyone else is totally jealous and quiet. Back in the stew room by himself, Angelo sits and slowly rubs the keys of his new Toyota Avalon.

Tom tells the rest that it’s a difficult decision, although I’m pretty sure Ed is safe. I think it’s between Kevin and Tiffany. I want it to be Kevin, but really sounds like Tiffany’s dish really failed without the mussels.

Tom this time around tells them why their dishes were good: Kevin elevated a home dish, Kelly made it look effortless, Tiffany’s flavors leaped off the plate, and Ed also gave tremendous flavor. He says he wished all of them could go, but one of them won’t for sure. He turns to Padma to do the dirty work, and she sends Tiffany home. Whaaaat? They shoot to Kevin who whispers “thank you lord Jesus.” That’s right, you have to thank somebody for getting you through. Ed looks shocked about Tiffany leaving. She’s already crying and she is the first to walk into the stew room and Angelo thinks she’s safe until she tells him she’s leaving and he looks just as shocked as Ed.

Tiffany is all emotional and speechless, so they have to show Ed’s tape saying how she brought a lot of energy to the show. I really wished Kevin went home because Tiffany looked like she could go all the way. But this really shows how one wrong dish can really screw you up. And how you shouldn’t put your mussels near the freezer.

Next week: They go to Singapore, and Padma asks Kevin what’s wrong with him. Ed wants to kick Angelo’s butt, and if you thought they sweated a lot in the Top Chef kitchen, you should see them cooking on the streets of Singapore.

Top Chef airs every Wednesday at 10 p.m. on Bravo. Check your local listings. Photos courtesy of the Bravo TV website.

Summary only...

Top Chef: Season 7, Episode 11

‘It got ugly the first day you walked into this place.’

Previously: They were cooking at the CIA with Ed aka Muffin Winthrope, and Angelo is using frozen puff pastry that CIA Director Leon Panetta says is too hard. If I were Angelo, I’d be worried about that clicking sound he’s hearing on his mobile phone. Tiffany wins, and Alex has his cover blown as a “poor chef.”

You know how you watch something over and over and then you pick up all the little details? Well, during the intro when they talk about all the prizes, Padma is wearing that really bright fuchsia blouse and I notice now that as she talks her shoulders are bumping up and down like a puppet master is pulling her strings. How much you want to bet Tom Colicchio is pulling the strings? It just looks weird. Now you’re going to notice it every time you watch this intro.

Opening scenes with cherry blossoms still at the basin, which is probably such a lie because the cherry blossoms only last about two weeks. And the weirdest thing is Ed is walking around in a yellow dress and Tiffany is cracking up like there’s no tomorrow. And literally Ed is walking for maybe a full five minutes before anyone explains if this is some kind of fraternity initiation or something. Turns out it’s Tiffany’s dress and that’s the closest he’ll ever get at getting into her pants, er, dress.

Then they get into the insecure comments of the remaining cheftestants, like Kelly who drew a target on Amanda’s head, and Angelo saying he has to clear his head after he landed on the bottom three. Then he says when he was a kid, he would cut out photos of four-star chefs, light a candle and then kneel down in front of the photos to pray. Hello stalker.

Amanda is teasing Angelo about how he does mantras as positive daily reinforcements. The way she talks is really childish like she’s in high school. I’m really getting tired of her. After Alex leaving last week, I hope she’s next to go so we can just focus on some good cooking.

The cheftestants arrive at Top Chef kitchen and there’s Top Chef Masters contestant Rick Moonen of RM Seafood in Las Vegas. I can’t remember if he won this past season? That show seems so long ago. I bet you there’ll be season three of Top Chef Masters airing even before this Top Chef DC reaches the finale! Anywho, Padma is saying things about “top dog,” “top banana” and “big cheese” and I thought it was all something to do with ballpark food but she says they are all food idioms.

So they each have to pick a food idiom that relates to a food product and cook a dish. The winner gets his or her dish frozen in memory as a Schwan’s home-delivery dish. Never heard of Schwan and I rarely eat frozen foods. Not because I’m snooty about it, but just because it takes so much energy to create frozen food that it’s not good for the environment.

They start scrambling to cook and everyone’s picking on Amanda, like how last week they all focused on Alex. So that’s a good sign because maybe Amanda is going home. Angelo, however, thinks Amanda is the dark horse and he thinks she’s smart. I think he just wants to get into her pants, er, dress.

Angelo is scrambling at high speed and is kind of talking to himself a lot this episode, but really all I notice is his black jeans are on the tight side.

Tasting. Here’s how it went and their food idiom they picked:

Ed: “Hot potato.” He made a hot potato gnocchi with spring vegetables. It looks really nice and Chef Rick asks about the herbs. Padma calls it a lovely spring dish.

Tiffany: “Spill the beans.” She made a pan-seared cod over stewed beans. Rick asks how she cooked them in an hour, and she admits that she used canned beans.

Kevin: “Bring home the bacon.” Does a trio of bacon, including chopped bacon, bacon with poached egg and a third that I didn’t catch (I really should tape these things, but then it would take me forever playing and pausing).

Kelly: “Sour grapes” (Oh, how appropriate) and she makes a pan-roasted chicken breast over carmelized brussel sprouts with grape sauce. Rick says “interesting” and it’s exactly in the tone you think.

Angelo: “Bigger fish to fry.” He makes a fried tilapia satay with Asian tartar sauce. Rick eats a lot of it but doesn’t say anything.

Amanda: “Big cheese.” So obvious that she makes mac and cheese but throws in bacon and jalapenos, and then serves it with a big pork chop on the side. Rick teases her that she made something “nice and light.”

Chef Moonen talks about what dishes were a mess, and they were Kelly’s chicken because the brussel sprouts with the grape juice was odd and the dish “didn’t sing.” And the other is Amanda’s sledge-hammer of a mac-and-cheese-with-pork dish, which really hit him in the gut. Amanda, of course, disagrees and then does this incredibly whiny voice that is worse right now than listening to nails scratching across a chalkboard. I mean, really, grow up! I will die if she doesn’t go home tonight.

Moonen’s top choices were Kevin’s bacon dish that reached a “new level of lightness and balance” (that’s a big accomplishment with bacon) and Ed’s gnocchi, which was well conceived and very light. I’m getting a feeling Chef Moonen likes his food light. He names Ed the winner, and his gnocchi will be frozen and served across the tables of lazy Americans every where.

Commercials. Samsung, please don’t show me close up shots of scale-y hands. Gross.

Padma says the cheftestants will be cooking for the oldest sports institution and that’s baseball! Yes, I love baseball. But I do not love the Washington Nationals, who I find have very boring players. Angelo says he’s part Dominican so baseball is in his blood. Funny, baseball is not the first sport I think of when I see Angelo.

Padma says they have to work as a team and run a high-end concession stand at the Nationals’ new stadium during the pre-game period. Amanda says the last team challenge didn’t go well, and they flashback to when they were arguing with Kenny and others for the farmers dinner challenge. Remember Kenny? Seems like ages when he was on the show, huh?

The cheftestants gather to strategize, but really it’s just Kelly kind of bossing people around and telling them what food they should make. It’s weird how the guys aren’t really saying much, and then I don’t really know what they're making and they just leave. As they leave they shout out baseball teams, like Go Phillies, Go Red Sox (boo) and ditzy Amanda of course yells out “go Dodgers?” Why am I not surprised that she’s a half-hearted Dodgers fan? (Right now all Dodger fans are probably half-hearted.)

They go shopping and Ed starts talking about growing up in Boston, and I see where this is going so I will now stop talking about Ed and his stupid favorite baseball team. Oh, Angelo is making steamed buns, like Chinese pork buns, but he’s not even bothering making the buns and just buy hot dog buns. I don’t see how it’s supposed to be Chinese steamed buns when the bun is already made and probably wasn’t even steamed. He’s still talking to himself while shopping. I’m kind of worried about his stress level.

Back at the Top Chef kitchen they start prepping. Tiffany starts talking about this amazing Italian sausage she had at a state fair so she’s doing a version of that but meatballs instead of sausages. Angelo talks to Amanda who’s asking about putting her tuna through the meat grinder to make tuna tartar. Everyone says she shouldn’t listen to Angelo like he’s the kiss of death after the same thing happened to those other people earlier in this season who I’ve already forgotten about, but I’m just recapping this episode. If you want to know who, then read my past recaps.

Ed is making a shrimp and corn poppers, and he needs to make 550 of them. Ed is talking really loud to Tiffany like an old man, asking something about a cart. Amanda, of course, has to share her opinion about Ed and again she does it in such a petty and evil tone. She really is showing her age in this episode, which will be her last [fingers crossed].

They’re done for the night and then they’re back home. In the kitchen, Amanda talks about having to run a service. Kelly sounds confused because she’s probably never been to a baseball stadium where people had to order food and then pay for them. Nobody wants to take the orders, and then Angelo eventually steps up and says he’ll do it.

Commercials. I don’t get why that Blackberry Torch commercial is making all those Moby Dick references. Is that supposed to be hip now? I was tempted to trade my Storm for the Torch until I saw that Blackberry partnered with AT&T. I’m likely to buy a phone with an AT&T contract like I’m likely to watch that gross “The Last Exorcism” movie. (Did I ever tell you my mom took me and all my siblings to watch “The Exorcism” because she loves watching scary movies, and did I tell you I was 12?)

The cheftestants head to Nationals’ stadium, and it looks like a theme park. They have a big concession stand with the Top Chef banner, and they start setting up and cook. Angelo is stressing out because he doesn’t know how he’s going to cook while taking orders, so he decides he doesn’t want to take orders now. So instead he starts passing out the order slips to everyone for them to take their own orders, and Kevin’s all “no way, that’s not going to work.” Then Angelo and Kevin gets into it for a bit and it went something like this:

Kevin: “No way, that’s not going to work. We need a system.”

Angelo: “Chill out, man.”

Kevin: “You chill.”

Angelo: “Oh, you’re the bad boy of the show. We know.”

Kevin: “Yeah, and you’re the pretty boy but we’re still not taking the orders.”

Or something like that.

Kevin really reminds me of those baseball players who just blows their steam so easily when the ump calls a strike or something.

Eventually Ed steps up and tells Angelo that he’ll help him cook his dish so that Angelo can fulfill his duties as the order taker.

Then Tom walks in with three of the players. Like I said, I don’t really follow the Nationals. I just know one of the guy is Adam Dunn, but don’t know the other two. The girls, well, just Kelly and Amanda are crushing over the guys. They’re no David Wright, but I guess they’re OK for Nationals.

Amanda’s tuna tartar is turning grey. Angelo says she should have put oil, and he says he should have helped but he didn’t have time and he needs to look out for himself. Kevin asks Tiffany to taste his dish, and Tiffany says she’s no Angelo so she has to be honest and she tells Kevin something about the salt.

It’s gets a bit crazy in the kitchen and Ed delivers the quote of the episode when Kevin says it’s getting ugly and Ed responds: “It got ugly the first day you walked into this place.” Perfect!

Service begins and the fans line up, but most of the people in line seems to be women. And they don’t even look like they’re paying. I think they’re just giving the food away. Wow, I wished Top Chef would come to town and just give away food at an event.

The three players return to try all the food. Of course, they love everything, except Adam Dunn doesn’t know how to eat Amanda’s tartar so he just sticks his finger into the mess. Aww, the big lug. They leave and tells some of the women waiting on the side that Tiffany’s meatball sub was their favorite.

Fans are eating and licking their fingers, and the players are doing batting practice. Then the judges arrives, Padma, Tom, Rick Moonen and Eric Ripert.

The judges grab all the food and go to the seats to try them. Rick says Amanda has a lot of “baseballs” to serve raw fish at a stadium. Apparently he hasn’t been to AT&T Park here in San Francisco where you can buy sushi for $15.

It’s getting late so I’m not going to get into every comment that the judges made for each dish. Basically they seem to like Tiffany’s meatball sub and Ed’s fritters, but felt Amanda’s tartar was grey and Kevin’s chicken skewers had soft shoestring fries and they spent a lot of time talking about Angelo’s buns.

Commercials. This week’s quick look focused on Angelo on his bed talking to his fiancée. We learn he must have a great phone plan because he talks to her for five to six hours every night, and she’s a mail-order bride from Russia.

It’s night time and they show the Nationals game going on and Adam Dunn hitting a home run. Then back at the stew room, Padma comes in and asks all six cheftestants to come to judges’ table and Amanda looks so shocked.

Padma asks Angelo about how he ended up taking orders, and he says he was happy to take orders. Tiffany calls him on it and says that’s not how it went, and then Angelo fesses up to how he changed his mind. Of course, Kevin had to chime in and say Angelo was wishy-washy, and to me it’s like the judges don’t care about all that drama.

So they talk about the food and Rick talks about Ed’s creamy center. His shrimp and corn fritter balls people! Eric Ripert says he liked the spiciness. Tom says Tiffany’s dish was messy but tasty, and Rick says it was fun to eat something messy. Then as the guest judge he names the winner, who is Ed, and he gets a cookbook from Chef Moonen and also wins an Australian trip.

Ed and Tiffany are safe and they leave. They talk about the rest, with Tom saying Amanda’s dish had nicely done vegetables but Ripert says the tuna oxidized and became black which gives the impression that the fish is not fresh.

Rick says Kevin had a great idea, but the ingredients were too many and didn’t come across. Eric says the skewer was so long in his mouth it wasn’t easy to eat, and we don’t want Ripert to hurt his pretty mouth. He also says the moisture from the chicken made the shoestrings fries on top all soggy.

For Kelly, they did like the crab cakes, but the only bad things they could say was that it was a little soft, not crispy, and that the bacon served with it was too big. So I think she’s safe.

For Angelo, Rick says the pork was cooked well but sauce sucked away from the bread. Padma speaks about the food for the first time and says it was too much sugar.

So are we done? Padma?

“That will be all.”

Thank you, and they all leave back to the stew room.

The judges talk some more but you know they’re just repeating themselves. Ripert is talking about the skewer in his mouth again. We get it, Eric. You don’t want to hurt yourself while eating. Then they focused on how Angelo’s dish was so sweet.

Commercials. If Justin Timberlake’s Sony commercials are any example of his talent as an actor, I want to watch him on the big screen. He is too funny.

Judgment time. You know, they went to a baseball park and Tom totally could have made so many baseball references, but looks like the cliché writers are off this week because Tom just gives a recap of what they already said, which is Kelly’s BLT didn’t come together, Amanda made an error by making her tuna a day early, Kevin had soggy fries and Angelo had a sweet and soggy bun.

Then Padma sends Amanda home. YAY! She swings, she misses, she’s OUTTA HERE!

Angelo looks really sad, or maybe he feels a bit guilty. Amanda says she went the farthest for a sous chef. Then she cries about how she’ll remember this experience for the rest of her life and how she’s going to push herself to work harder, but the hardest thing for her is leaving this show. Yeah, it’s not that hard for me watching you leave this show. That will be all.

Next: They head to NASA and I am so tired of these shows dusting off Buzz Aldrin and acting like he’s better than slice bread. But that’s what we have to look forward to for next week. Sigh, it’s going to be a long, cranky night for the Single Guy.

Top Chef airs every Wednesday at 10 p.m. on Bravo. Check your local listings. Photos courtesy of the Bravo TV website.

Summary only...

Top Chef: Season 7, Episode 10

‘You’ve disguised yourselves as poor cooks’

Previously: It was “restaurant wars” but no one wants Alex’s crazy hands in any of the dishes. Alex is also rude to the staff, setting off some bad negative ju-ju. But it’s Kenny who gets the bad ju-ju as the “beast” is sent packing.

OK, let’s do it. Top Chef at 10 p.m.! Yikes. I want to go to bed while I’m retyping this recap. If some of this doesn’t make sense, it’s because I’m half asleep. Oh, the dancing cheftestants are back. Remember John and his bird nest of a hairdo? I don’t miss him at all. Or any of these other people. Oh wait, they’re still on the show.

It’s morning and we see Amanda first again. One of the cameramen must be having an affair with her or something because they’re always featuring her. Then we get Kevin talking about how Alex should have left instead of Kenny, and how Alex is clueless. I think Angelo misses Kenny also because he seems kind of off his game. It’s like Kenny was Angelo’s ying to his yang. Oh, Angelo is out in the garden with Amanda and Amanda is cleaning up a big coffee spill. Angelo’s talking about the show in the voiceover but at this moment you just see Angelo holding back his laughter because you just know Amanda did something really stupid when spilling the coffee.

The cheftestants arrive at the Top Chef kitchen and there are black boxes on the table with question marks. Then Ed says he sees Wylie Dufresne because he recognizes his side burns, while I say it’s more his Dutchboy hairdo.

Quickfire. Padma says they’ll be working with the mystery boxes, starting to cook with the ingredients but then through the course of cooking more mystery boxes will be coming in. All the ingredients will be used by everyone in their dishes, and it’s a high-stakes quickfire so $10,000 is on the line. Every time they have a cash prize, we’re always hearing about how the cheftestants would spend the money. Angelo just said he had to help his fiancée get a visa or something? I wonder where she’s from?

Angelo opens the mystery box and he jumps back slightly. I think it was the dead fish that scared him. Geesh, it's not like he found it in his bed. So in the box there are a whole fish, fava beans and a can with no labels.

They all start cooking and the editors show how everyone’s ignoring Alex, not even helping him find a can opener. Tiffany identifies that the can has hominy in it. Angelo looks a bit lost. See, I think he does need Kenny to challenge him.

A guy dressed in a black suit looking like Keanu Reeves with dark glasses bring in a mystery box, this one containing squid and black garlic. Then he comes in a few seconds later with ramps and passion fruit. And finally another box with fresh jicama. Interesting, I never saw jicama in its natural form. I always just see it as white strips at the salad bar.

As they’re cooking, they’re all kind of sweating. Eww, Angelo just admitted that he sweated into his dish. Extra salt. Gross. When time is called, they all look like they could need a good shower.

Tasting. Here’s how it went with Dufresne and Padma making the rounds.

Alex is first with a rockfish served with fava bean puree and sautéed squid. Dufresne asks if the ramp is cooked or raw. Alex says it’s “slowly melted.” WTF?

Tiffany made a fish stew. Wylie likes the broth.

Kelly made a Yucatecan seafood stew. Chef Dufresne says it’s spicy.

Amanda served up a crispy skin striped bass with squid fricassee. Dufresne asks if she used oil or butter, and she says a little bit of both.

Kevin came up with a pan-seared rockfish and salad. Wylie asks about the heat? Dufresne is really an inquisitive chef, always wondering what’s in a dish.

Ed made a sashimi of rockfish and hominy puree. Dufresne declares it excellent.

Angelo made some kind of fancy French thing, which I think he said was a pot au feu. Wylie says he was busy.

So who didn’t Dufresne like? He says Alex’s dish had components that didn’t all come together, and Amanda’s dish was a little oily. Plus, he says if you advertise your dish as “crispy skin” then the skin should be crispy.

His favorites were Tiffany’s stew with lots of integrated flavors and Kevin’s puree on the base of his dish. The editors show Kevin talking about how he’s never won a quickfire, and you know that means he’s going to win it. Then Chef Dufresne names Tiffany as the winner!! Dang editors trying to throw me off the scent.

Commercials. What? Sprint is still around? More fried chicken commercials. Church's is still around?

Elimination challenge. Padma says it’s a case of national security. Oh. MY. GAWD. The writers for this episode are so childish. You know it’s the CIA episode and Padma is saying stuff like “you’ve all been recruited as special agents by the CIA.” They have to “take on a new identity” and take a classic dish and disguise it as something else but retain the flavors. The writers for this show should not sit waiting for their Emmy.

They draw knives for assignments, and it’s dishes like French onion soup, cobb salad, beef wellington, etc. Padma says they’ll be cooking at the CIA Langley headquarters for CIA director Leon Panetta, and for some reason Tiffany and Amanda gets all excited like Panetta is some kind of rock star. Hel-LO, he’s a career Democrat politician. It’s not like he was involved in the cold war or did any undercover work. Anywho, the winner of this challenge also gets a trip to Paris and we hear Ed talk about how his girlfriend (not Tiffany) would love this prize. Who wouldn’t? Maybe Alex because I think he’s the only one in this group who doesn’t have a fiancée.

They shop at Whole Foods. Everyone’s wearing T-shirts so it looks like a hot day, which makes me think we’re moving into early summer of this filming. We learn that Alex was a videographer for weddings for years and has only been cooking for the last six years. Alex reveals that like it’s going to help him with this challenge because he can think out of the box, but it just makes me have less confident in him, and I wouldn’t hire him to film my wedding.

Kelly is making kung pao shrimp, which is weird because I’ve only heard of kung pao chicken but never shrimp. She's never made it, so she looks for a kung pao sauce in the Asian aisle to copy the ingredients from the back of the bottle so she knows what to cook. I don’t know how she’s going to mirror the flavors when she doesn’t even know how the dish tastes to begin with. But I say, add soy to anything and you’ll be good.

Angelo plans to recreate beef wellington by making a puff pastry pizza, but he’s buying frozen pre-made puff pastry and everyone thinks that’s going to send him home, like how John with the bird nest hair was sent home for using puff pastry.

Back at the Top Chef kitchen, Tiffany is excited still about the CIA, saying her favorite show was La Femme Nikita, which is why when Ed asks her what her spy name is, she says “Bridgette.” Amanda says she always wanted to be “Natasha” and seduce some spy.

Everyone is focused on their dishes and again ignoring Alex. This episode they spend a lot of time trash talking Alex, and Alex talking about how he’s isolated and doesn’t care. Then he yells out in the kitchen, “has anyone seen my smiley face cheese?” Or at least I think that’s what he says, and I don’t know if he’s being serious or sarcastic like he’s just saying something extremely crazy to see if anyone will respond. No one answers of course, and I really wanted to see what smiley cheese looked like.

Commercials. George Clooney is, duh, “the American.” He’s really lean in this movie, and since when did he have all those tattoos?

The cheftestants arrive at the CIA to some stupid music, and what’s weird is that they show them walk right in and there’s no one around or checking them. Talk about national security. I feel safe knowing cheftestants can just walk into the CIA.

Angelo looks like he’s a giant cooking the way he crouches over his tiny dishes. Kelly is busy making rice in the rice cooker, which she’s using for the first time, I guess, because they keep showing the cooker.

Amanda is worried about her French onion soup because it isn’t much of a disguise. She’s still making a soup. Kelly is also making a soup out of her kung pao shrimp.

Kelly asks Tiffany about rice cooking and whether the machine should turn off on its own. Yes, that’s how they work. But when the rice cooker beeps to say it’s done, Kelly opens the cooker and says it’s overcooked because it’s all mushy. Girl, that doesn’t mean your rice is overcooked. THAT MEANS YOU PUT TOO MUCH WATER IN THE RICE COOKER! Rice cookers are no brainers if you follow the water markings on the side. But she probably didn’t pay attention and now she thinks she has overcooked rice, which actually is “jook” or porridge. Tiffany basically tells her to cook the rice again, but Kelly tries to give up until Tiffany basically has to push her into making it old school on the stove top.

The judges arrive and it looks like Eric Ripert is making one of his rare appearances as the permanent guest judge. (I think this is only his third apperance?)

Padma introduces Leon Panetta and a bunch of CIA staff who we don’t recognize because we’re not supposed to.

Back in the kitchen, Angelo is saying he doesn’t feel like himself. He really looks off his game. He calls himself clueless. Man, pull yourself together! You know I’d so slap him if I were there.

Angelo and Kelly are up first. They try the dishes and play a guessing game. Most people guess right away that Angelo made beef wellington. Panetta says it was a poor disguise and “if he were captured we would hang him.” He also throws salt in Angelo’s wound by saying the dish was salty.

For Kelly’s kung pao shrimp broth, everyone guesses pad thai, but Tom guesses correctly that it’s kung pao shrimp but I have a feeling he already knew beforehand. I mean, he is one of the show’s producers.

Next come Kevin and Tiffany. Leon Panetta guesses that Tiffany’s dish is a gyro, and Ripert says it’s the most elegant gyro he’s ever ate in his life. Kevin’s dish looks like a salad, so people guess it right away that it’s the Cobb salad.

Then a guy comes out and hands a note to Panetta. He glances at it and then excuses himself, and then all the CIA staffers have this serious face on them like he has to go brief the president about some national security crisis but I’m pretty sure he’s leaving so he can meet some senators for poker night.

In the kitchen, Amanda is all worried for Alex, who she says reminds her of a wise old Jewish uncle she’s never had. Amanda, you know you can rent one if you like.

Next up is Amanda’s French onion soup, which everyone guessed right away. Tom says the oxtail marmalade was too sweet, and one guy says it tasted like honey and lemon cough syrup.

They dig into Alex’s veal parmesan and right away Tom Colicchio says OMG. Everyone looks like they’re having a hard time cutting into the veal. Tom jokes that the veal is tough like “pulling a post in Yemen.” Where exactly is Yemen?

The last dish comes from Ed, who’s feeling pretty confident about how everything worked out for him in the kitchen. He’s making chicken cordon bleu, and of course, Frenchie Ripert guesses it right away. Tom says the chicken was cooked nicely and Wylie Dufresne says a lot of labor went into the dish, but Padma says it didn’t look like much of a disguise.

Commercials. Pledge, you changed your look from yellow to metal blue? You’re confusing me with this new multi-purpose bottle. I want my yellow Pledge back! Sketchers, your Shape Up shoes look like the equivalent of mom jeans.

The Top Chef quicklook this episode is of the cheftestants sitting around the table back at their townhouse talking about whether Leon Panetta knows a lot of secrets, and Kelly goes on a rip about whether he knows who killed JFK and where they keep the aliens. Then Angelo jokes that there’s an alien in the house and it’s Alex. You know, he does look like a Martian.

Quick glimpse of the Lincoln Memorial at night and then were at the stew room. Padma comes in and asks for Tiffany, Kelly and Ed. You can tell Tiffany and Kelly know they’re in the top group. Ed just looks stressed as usual.

The three are indeed the top and they all get their obligatory pats on the back, although no one is really gushing. Dufresne names the winner and it’s Tiffany. Wow, she also won the quickfire. This is the second episode where she took BOTH the quickfire and elimination challenge. My money is on Tiffany to take it all for this season! She’s the front-runner for sure. Of course, she wins the trip to Paris and she yells out “honeymoon” and pretty much Top Chef is paying for her wedding at this point. Ed looks disappointed like he’s going to be killed by his girlfriend for not winning the Paris trip. He says he’s happy for Tiffany but I don’t think so.

You know, Padma is really bossy this season. She talks to the cheftestants like she’s a supreme ruler or something. After telling them whom to bring in, she tells them “Thank you, that will be all.” What are they? Her butlers? Padma’s not coming off very supportive tonight.

Tiffany sends in Alex, Amanda and Angelo. Kevin looks shocked Angelo is in the bottom three.

Amanda says she’s aware her dish was not disguised adequately. She says she was going more for flavor. Tom says she could have made a panna cotta, and that the marmalade was so sweet it threw the whole dish off.

Angelo also knows he missed the mark with his beef wellington. Tom says the pastry was dried out and asks if it was pre-made. Wylie adds that the plating was sloppy, and Ripert says he had the freedom to be creative but it ended up just sad.

Alex’s face is getting red as everyone’s talking about his dish. I just keep staring at the big spoon in his side pocket on his sleeve. Tom asks if any one of them will admit to be the seventh best person on Top Chef this season, and that was so confusing to me. But Amanda yells out no, and Amanda I’m pretty sure the question was rhetorical.

The three return to the stew room and Angelo looks really mad and says he should go home. Kelly says she doesn’t care if he goes home and goes on and on but in short she's saying “BUH-bye.”

The judges get some more digs into the dishes, with Wylie Dufresne calling Alex’s dish dishwater. Ripert says Angelo’s beef wellington would make Julia Child sad, and adds that anyone could do a better dish if they knew how to cook.

Commercials. That State Farm commercial looks like it was filmed at the new Yankees stadium. But what’s with everyone wearing baseball caps with the letter “B” on it? Reebox, like I’m supposed to believe your new easy tone shoes are supposed to shape my butt?

Judgment. Tom gets the same writers who wrote for Padma earlier in the episode as he talks about how the three had the assignment of taking a classic dish and disguise them, but their covers were blown, and they’ve “disguised yourselves as poor cooks.” Then Padma sends Alex packin', and the whole stew room sings out hallelujah.

No one seems really surprised, and Amanda is the first to hug her old wise Jewish uncle. The cheftestants clap but it looks pretty lackluster. In fact, a few of them are still sitting in their chair, not even bothering to stand up to say bye. Alex says he felt frustrated by the way he was treated, and brings up for one more time the pea puree conspiracy. He says people got angry at him because he’s a different kind of person. Maybe he really is an alien.

Next week: They’re at Nationals baseball park running their own concession stands, and Kevin looks angrier than Roger Clemens on his worst days. And someone is serving raw fish, but we’re not in San Francisco.

Top Chef airs every Wednesday at 10 p.m. on Bravo. Check your local listings. Photos courtesy of the Bravo TV website.

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